How to Talk to Girls, and Other Life Lessons
by Lys ap Adin
Summary: Saeki has the best of intentions. Yuuta's totally going to thank him for this later. SaekixYuuta, containing clueless Saekis, hapless Yuutas, and Anikis who only want to help.


**Title:** How to Talk to Girls, and Other Life Lessons  
**Summary:** Saeki has the best of intentions. Yuuta's totally going to thank him for this later.  
**Notes:** PG-rated frothy froth of the frothiest sort, to the prompt "SaeYuu, shy kid." Contains clueless Saekis, hapless Yuutas, and Anikis who only want to help. 2215 words.

* * *

**How to Talk to Girls, and Other Life Lessons**

Fuji Yuuta, or so Koujirou discovered one fine autumn afternoon, was approaching his seventeenth birthday without ever once having had a girlfriend. Needless to say, he'd never kissed a girl, either, as Koujirou found out upon further investigation. "But why _not_?" Koujirou asked him, out of sheer astonishment.

Yuuta shook his head; his ears and his neck were burning red. "Shut up, Sae."

"But... but..." Koujirou waved his hands, enjoying himself immensely. "Look at you! How could the girls resist such a fine specimen of a Yuupyon?"

Yuuta turned even redder and slunk low in his booth, drawing his shoulders in and apparently trying to scrunch up as much of his lean frame as he could. "Sae, please shut up?"

"It can't be hygiene," Koujirou mused aloud. "You're a very tidy Yuupyon." He gave Yuuta a quick once-over. "And your fashion sense... uh... has a certain je ne sais quoi." Insofar as sloppy jeans and t-shirts with obscure English on them went. "And girls totally check you out all the time. So what gives, Yuupyon?"

Yuuta groaned, quite unhelpfully, and covered his face. "Sae..."

Koujirou looked at his hunched shoulders and the red ears, and was hit by inspiration. "Oh my god. You're shy with girls, aren't you? Oh, poor Yuupyon." Yuuta made an indistinct noise into his hands. "Never fear, I'm here to help. We'll get you a girlfriend by Christmas."

When Yuuta groaned and began beating his head against the table, Koujirou chose to interpret that as a sign that Yuuta was so overwhelmed with gratitude that he despaired of ever finding a way to repay Koujirou's generosity.

* * *

Seeing as he himself was currently between girlfriends--purely because he chose to be, mind, and anything else was cruelest slander and pure calumny--Koujirou had plenty of time to devote to Yuuta's girl problems.

"So, first things first," he declared. "What kind of girl to you like?"

"You're not seriously going on about _that_ again, are you?" Yuuta asked, staring fixedly at the television, tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth as he negotiated the racetrack.

"What else?" Koujirou prodded his shoulder, purely out of camaraderie and not to jostle his hands on the game controller, of course. "My mission in life is to see you settled down with the girl of your dreams." Then he added, "Language, Yuupyon, geez. It's only a video game."

"Seriously, Sae," Yuuta said, once he'd recovered some of his equanimity. "I appreciate the offer, believe me, but you really, really don't have to do this."

"But I _want_ to." Koujirou smiled at him, with his purest and most earnest intentions poured into it. Yuuta would totally thank him for this later.

"You want to do what?" Shuusuke asked as he wandered through the living room.

Koujirou pounced on the unexpected possible ally. "Find Yuupyon a girlfriend," he caroled. "Say, I bet _you_ know what kind of girl your baby brother prefers."

Shuusuke's face was a proper study in its own right. "I--might have a few ideas."

Beside him, Yuuta growled. "Aniki--"

Koujirou put him in a headlock, absent-mindedly. "Yeah? What kind of ideas?" he asked, as Yuuta growled and swore and struggled against him.

"Oh," Shuusuke said, lightly, as Yuuta's swearing got louder and more passionate. "Yuuta likes them on the tall and athletic side, especially when they have a thing for tennis and video games."

"Aniki!" Yuuta wrestled free of Koujirou's arm and launched himself over the back of the couch. Shuusuke ran out of the room, laughing all the way.

Koujirou sat back as the sound of their chase (shouts, crashes, and thudding feet) echoed through the house. Tall, athletic, and with a thing for tennis and video games, eh? Sounded like Yuupyon might have someone specific in mind...

"Don't forget a good sense of humor!" Shuusuke called, running through the living room again, with Yuuta hot on his heels.

"I'm gonna _kill you_, Aniki!" Yuuta bellowed.

Hmmmm. Koujirou pulled a notebook out of his bag and wrote the traits down as the front door slammed. Humming cheerfully as World War III broke out in Fuji-kaasan's front flower bed, he began making a list of likely candidates, starting with the girls' tennis team.

* * *

"Oh my god, how is this my life?"

Koujirou kept a firm grip on Yuuta's collar to keep him from letting his nerves run off with him. "I know, right?" he said, cheerful. "Are you lucky that Arisagawa-chan is still single, or what?"

"Seriously, _how_ is _this_ my life?" Yuuta groaned again.

"You must have been born under a lucky star, Yuupyon, that's all I can figure." Koujirou straightened up. "Right, okay, here comes your chance." Arisagawa-chan, captain of the girls' tennis team, tall, gorgeous, and stacked to boot, was just about finished talking to her vice-captain. "What are you going to say to her again?"

"She's going to kill me," Yuuta mumbled. "Do you _know_ what she did to the last guy who hit on her?"

"He was walking like normal again after just a couple of weeks," Koujirou reminded him. "Besides, that was him. You're Yuupyon. Go knock 'er dead."

He pushed Yuuta forward, and made a face as Yuuta trudged over to Arisagawa-chan. A guy would almost think Yuupyon didn't know that this was the most magical time in a young man's life, or something.

Skulking as he was at a discreet distance, he couldn't hear what was being said. He couldn't see Yuuta's face, either, but had a clear line of sight on Arisagawa-chan's face. First she looked impatient. Then she frowned. And then--Koujirou cringed. "Oh, that's gonna leave a mark," he muttered, as Arisagawa-chan stormed off and Yuuta reeled.

* * *

"Okay, so we need to reconsider your strategy when it comes to Arisagawa-chan," Koujirou decided.

Yuuta glared at him, two baleful eyes peering at him over the icepack he was holding to his jaw. "I hate you and everything you stand for."

"You shouldn't be so negative, Yuupyon. This is only a temporary setback." Koujirou cracked his knuckles, preparatory to getting down to business. "So what we have to do is figure out a way for you to get Arisagawa-chan's attention--"

"I don't _want_ any more of her attention," Yuuta said. "I already _got_ enough of that, thanks."

Shuusuke wandered in just then. "Enough of--my god, what happened to you?" he asked, staring at Yuuta.

"Sae made me ask Arisagawa-san out on a date."

"Arisagawa?" Shuusuke screwed his face up. "Isn't she the one who likes other girls?"

Koujirou stared. "What, really?" When Shuusuke shrugged, he turned back to Yuuta. "Okay, seriously, we _have_ to get you in with her now. Maybe she'll let you watch--"

"_No_," Yuuta said, firmly.

"Please don't," Shuusuke added. "I'd rather you not get my little brother killed."

"But seriously, how hot would that--" Koujirou figured he was a pretty brave guy, but he would have dared anybody to stand up to the full weight of not one but _two_ Fuji Death Glares. "Okay, fine, fine. Time for Plan B."

"Maybe this time you should look for someone a little closer to home, Sae," Shuusuke suggested, and then yelped when Yuuta pegged him with a pillow. "I'm just saying!" he called as he ducked out the door.

Closer to home? Hmm. "I have an idea," Koujirou said, and tossed Yuuta a fresh icepack when he groaned.

Poor guy. Arisagawa-chan really packed a powerful right hook.

* * *

"So how'd it go?" Koujirou asked, eager, as Yuuta returned from talking to Matsuoka-chan, who was in Yuuta's class and was rumored to have a big crush on--well, Koujirou hadn't been able to get a name, but Yuuta sure sounded like "grumpy" and "good-looking" to _him_. And Yuuta was smiling, so--

"She likes someone else," Yuuta reported, and wow. Koujirou just wished he could handle disappointment that cheerfully.

"Aw, geez, Yuupyon," he said, and slung a consoling arm around Yuuta's shoulder. "I'm sorry. I thought this was a sure thing."

Yuuta rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Sure. Does this mean you give up?"

"You wound me. You really do. I promised I'd get you a girlfriend, didn't I?" Koujirou said, woeful. "What kind of friend would I be if I left you alone and unhappy?"

"Is it too much to hope for that you'd believe me if I told you I _was_ happy?"

That was Yuupyon all over--stoic to a fault. Koujirou ruffled his hair. "No need to be noble," he promised. "Just stick with me, Yuuta, I've got you covered."

Yuuta muttered something under his breath that Koujirou didn't quite catch, busy as he was working on Plan C.

It probably wasn't important anyway.

* * *

"Okay, so here's what I don't get," Koujirou told Shuusuke some weeks later, when Plan C had failed, along with Plans D through P. "Are all the girls at Seishun idiots, or what?"

Shuusuke looked up from his history textbook, expression blank. "Beg pardon?"

"I mean, they _have_ to be morons. I've thrown Yuuta at every damn one of them--" or close to, anyway "--and they've all turned him down flat! Hell, even Matsutani did, and you know she's a sure thing!" And bless her for it, Koujirou thought, fondly. "I mean, seriously, Shuusuke, your brother's not a bad deal. He's smart, he's funny, he's good-looking... what the hells wrong with these chicks?"

Shuusuke absorbed this, blinking. "Is Yuuta still at tennis practice?" he asked, after a moment.

"Yeah, why?"

Shuusuke leaned his cheek on his fist. "Okay, if I tell you why, you have to promise me that you will _never_ tell Yuuta I told you this. Never _ever_, got it?"

Okay, this sounded promising. Koujirou grinned. "Yeah? I won't tell a soul."

"Good. I'd really rather Yuuta not kill me, but since you're never going to figure this out on your own, and apparently he'd rather let himself be kneed in the balls than tell you himself..." Shuusuke sighed and folded his hands under his chin. "The girls aren't stupid. They just know that Yuuta doesn't like them like that."

Koujirou stared at Shuusuke as that sank in. "What, really?" Shuusuke nodded. "Seriously. Really?"

"Yes. And if you _ever_ tell Yuuta that I told you, so help me, Koujirou..."

Koujirou held up his hands, still boggling. "No, no, I get it. Huh. Why the hell didn't he just _say_ something?"

Shuusuke opened his mouth--and then shut it, and shook his head. "You'd have to ask him, not me."

Huh. Now what the hell was _that_ supposed to mean?

* * *

Yuuta looked wary when Koujirou caught up with him the next afternoon--justifiably so, Koujirou admitted, rueful. Poor guy. Well, he'd feel better after Koujirou explained how they'd be working on finding him a _boy_friend from here on out. "So, hey," he began, once they were installed on the Fujis' couch, but before they'd fired up the video games. "I've been thinking."

"Oh my god," Yuuta groaned.

"Hey, now," Koujirou said, affecting injury. "Hear me out."

"Do I have to?" Yuuta asked, clearly resigning himself to his fate.

"Just this once?" Koujirou said, and geezus, Yuuta must have been going nuts these past few weeks. "So, uh. I guess I've kind've had my head up my ass, yeah? Sorry about that. And that it took me so long to figure out." And thank heaven for Shuusuke; Yuuta must've been about ready to murder him.

Yuuta eyed him, clearly uncertain. "Figure out what?" he asked, and who could have blamed him for being careful, after Koujirou had made such a big mistake in the first place?

Koujirou smiled at him, and rubbed the back of his neck. "Um," he said. "The, uh, thing. Why, uh, you're not so interested in having a girlfriend." Yuuta was staring at him, eyes gone wide and shocked. "Which, hey, you know, is _totally_ cool with me, you know?" That seemed like the kind of thing a supportive friend would say. For good measure, he added, "I just wish you would have clued me in sooner, you know? I mean, think of how much time we've wasted."

Yuuta's mouth opened and closed a couple of times, soundless, before he said, voice coming out all strangled, "You... it's cool? Really?"

With Yuuta looking like that, all relieved and happy, Koujirou couldn't help but feel bad. Yuupyon must have had himself tied up in _knots_ over this. He grinned. "It's beyond cool," he promised. "It's _awesome_."

"Oh, thank _god_," Yuuta said, fervent, and then he seized Koujirou's shoulders and sealed their mouths together.

Whoa. Um. Holy shit. This wasn't precisely the brand of awesome he'd meant. Koujirou opened his mouth to say as much, and Yuuta took the opportunity to stroke their tongues together.

A frisson of something that was emphatically _not_ shock ran down Koujirou's spine.

On second thought, he decided, maybe Yuupyon was on to a good idea here. Koujirou wrapped an arm around Yuuta and hauled him closer, and filed the fact that Yuuta'd jumped to mostly the wrong conclusion in the list of secrets he was planning on taking to the grave. And then he got too busy to really think much at all, at least until Shuusuke's delighted, "It's about goddamn _time_!" interrupted them.

**end**

Comments, as always, are a thing of endless delight.


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